SPOILER ALERT!

Review: Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia

Beautiful Creatures  - Kami Garcia, Margaret Stohl

There's nothing I hate more than a book which descends into listing things - characters, events, feelings .....

 

If I wanted to read a list I would pour over my shopping list.

 

Actually, come to think of it my shopping list has a more absorbing plot and far more believable and likeable characters than Beautiful Creatures. I mean, everyone's gotta love fat-free blueberry yogurt at only £1 for a giant carton, right?

 

I like to lay out my shopping list per aisle (I'm know, I'm sad ....) so it's nice and logical and easy to find everything when I arrive at the store. This is another way that my shopping list trumps Beautiful Creatures, there's nothing logical or satisfying in the slightest about the book.

It takes two people to write my shopping list - me and my boyfriend do it together to avoid straight stand up, often vicious arguments erupting in the vegetable aisle over wether we really want to go to all the effort and mess making soup from scratch or say fuck it and buy a tin. Beautiful Creatures also required two authors. In my opinion I think they should have argued more. Instead of arguing about which ridiculous and pointless scenes to keep and which to junk, they appear to have simply lumped all the nonsense that flew into their heads together and stuck it all down, presented to their clearly wasted or high editor and clapped their hands all the way to the bank (I do believe they are still clapping - can you believe they are making this garbage into a movie ?!!).

 

I guess you can understand that I do not rate this book very highly ..... The truth of the matter is it's boring. It took me weeks to finish this book, weeks !!! That's not me! I whip through books in days, hours even, but I just could not stay awake through Ethan and Lena's vomit inducing instalove. It was mind numbingly painful. I read the book in the car, I fell asleep. I read the book in a cafe, I fell asleep. I read the book at work, I fell asleep. Yes .... I actually fell asleep at work, complete with drool running down my chin. Do not read this book anywhere where it could be hazardous to be unconscious for any length of time. The plus side of it was that it truly improved my situation regarding my insomnia, so on that front I highly recommend it.

 

I literally torn out page 33 in temper. Yes, I was tired of Ethan by page 33. I should have seen that as a sign to ditch the thing then. I just couldn't cope with him dissing his home town, over and over and over. Yeah we get you hate Gatlin, we get it's boring, we get nothing ever happens, no-one new ever arrives .... Arrgh! How often do we need to be beaten over the head with the fact that Ethan lives in a small town and - get this - it's boring and nothing ever happens !!! Oh, wait .... Did I forget to mention how boring Gatlin is and that nothing ever happens there?

 

Actually, Ethan is right .... Nothing happens in Gatlin and nothing happens in this book. The entire thing is a complete waste of time and paper. Nothing came of anything. The Book of Moons was no help whatsoever with anything. Ethan's father's mental illness is not dealt with at all. The poor man is simply left to rot in his study, forever alone. Riley simply takes off into the night along with Lena's mother and the rest of the gang. I mean if you're going to sit down and write a book, as opposed to say, a shopping list, then the thing has to hang together. There has to be an engaging and satisfying plot with a suitable conclusion. Not just a 600 page long list of largely unrelated events.

 

The characters are barely worth mentioning. Lena is a wet dishrag who inexplicably appears to have no feelings for Ethan throughout the entire story, although he's completely convinced they are destined to be together forever. How he ever reached this conclusion with a block of ice shaped like a girl on his arm I'll never know .... The whole thing was entirely bizarre and surely not based on any real life behaviour that any human has ever displayed, ever. I mean, why does Ethan have a wall of shoe boxes in his room ?!! I'll quote: "the room was lined with stacks of shoeboxes, some three or four feet high" Ethan is describing his bedroom ..... Where did he get so many shoeboxes? Where are all the shoes that were once contained in these shoeboxes? Where does he store them and why does he have so many pairs of shoes? Why? I was really stuck on this and it's the one aspect of the story that has really lived with me, long after I've put the book down (heehee, maybe that's what they were referring to on the blurb?) .....

 

And the end! Well .... I'm not even going to go into that. Two different coloured eyes? Claim yourself? Some kid of weird, previously unknown twist of fate in which Lena must decide who lives and who dies? Please ..... Pull the other cliche!

 

At least Beautiful Creatures only cost me £3.50 at Asda/Walmart .... Next time I'll be more disciplined to only buy the things actually written on my shopping list ......

 

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