Review: Evermore by Alyson Noel

Evermore  - Alyson Noel

 This morning I lost my contact lens in my eye. Don't ask me how it happens, but it happens all the time. I'm well used to having to stick my fingers in my eyes so that's not a problem, the problem occurs when I literally have to dig around the side of my eyeball to fish out the contact lens, all the while more and more blood vessels are bursting until I have entirely red eyes and tears are just pouring down my cheeks. It's not pretty. This morning was particularly bad. It took 10 minutes to remove that damn contact lens. I curse my less than perfect vision! I'm just waiting for the day when I lose the lens completely and it has to be surgically removed from my brain ( can this really happen?!) However .....

This activity of repeated stabbing myself in the eye, possibly scratching my cornea in the process I find infinitely more interesting, less painful and more satisfying than reading Evermore. This book is terrible.

It's so terrible. Really, really terrible. Why is this even a thing?! 

 

So this chick, Ever Bloom (hahahaha?!) is the sole survivor of a car crash which killed her entire family and hermaphrodite dog, and as a result wins a psychic gift when she awakes which allows her to see people's auras, hear their thoughts and apparently know their entire life history. She also inexplicably can find the answers to exam questions simply by running her grubby fingers over them ( how does this work exactly?) and can "read" a whole book just by touching it (oh right then .....), and she sees dead people EVERYWHERE but only feels the need to mention this mind-blowing ability once for the entire duration of the story. She goes on to meet the smokin' hot Damen Auguste. Yum. Not. He accomplishes the incredible feat of managing to be controlling yet a limp, wet dishrag at the same time. Urgh. He doesn't listen to Ever when she says no, he continues to persue her. I hate this. I actually hate this. It makes me want to vom because in real life this is frightening, and yet in the book it is portrayed as sexy and intriguing, and even caring and thoughtful!

 

So there's some to-ing and fro-ing and people walk around and they see things, and Ever complains endlessly and some stereotypes join her for lunch ..... I cannot remember any of the details of the middle part of the book. It's a blur, one boring, whiny blur. Nothing of importance occurs. And then Bam! The end happens and it's just terrible. Nonsensical and terrible. My problem with it is it's simply illogical and just plain stupid. It's infuriating to invest all that time reading the damn thing and then it just implodes at the end, with Ever disappearing through a cloud because Damen suddenly feels like it.

 

And Drina! Oh Drina ..... Never has there been a more lame ass heroine since we all knuckled down and suffered through Twilight ..... I mean, Drina makes no sense and seems to be thrown into the story to add some menace, but to be honest she made me lol. There's zero character development, she doesn't fit well into the rest of the book as she is only mentioned a couple of times as Haven's friend and seems to be of no threat to Ever, yet all of a sudden she's attempting to murder her?! What was that all about?! And why did Evangeline die?! There's no good explanation for this, it's simply unnecessary and vile. I just couldn't get my head around it. Drina is batshit crazy! Her idea of an evil deed is getting Miles the part in the play he wanted. And helping Sabine get a date. Uh huh. This is her brand of nasty. Oh, that and tripping Ever up. I mean, that's pretty scary. Not.

 

Dear god, this book is just mind numbingly stupid. Every single character is a stereotype. These aren't real people. I mean, the entire thing could quite easily be a dream sequence, dreamt up my Ever during her post-car-crash coma. Take Miles for instance. He's gay! He-lo! Did you not realise that?! Uh, sure you did. What gave it away? His love of the theatre? His witty little quips, his constantly texting absent boyfriend, his need to ensure that you know how hot he thinks Damen is, even if they don't "play for the same team", I mean really? Is this shit for real? Is this really what gay teenage boys do, flip their hair and roll their eyes and tag along after their straight friends spouting generic one liners and making sure everyone is absolutely certain of their sexual preferences? He even had the dad trying to encourage him to enjoy sports. Zero imagination went into creating Miles. And that's just plain lazy. It discredits the entire story to throw characters like this in, it makes the story unbelievable, less genuine.

 

And Ever! Don't even get me started on that hard hearted, whiny, self involved bitch. There was nothing likeable about the girl. I couldn't relate to her because she wasn't a real human being. She was a dumbass.

 

To be honest the whole story reads like the author decided, one day she would be a writer. Shoved pen to paper and just went for it, writing down whatever sprang to mind along with whatever she could remember from other books she'd read, taped the thing together and sent them off by pigeon to her editor. Yeah, the editor said. This is pretty terrible. Terrible enough to make millions of teenagers swoon at Damen's amazeballs good looks and totes fab talents and skills (I mean, he taught Van Gogh how to paint, man!) lets get this on the shelves! They tentatively waited for the book to flop (they must, after all have realised how cheeky it was to call this thing a real, credible novel, right?) but miracles of miracles! It became a New York Times Bestseller! Yeah, what I'm trying to say is it looks like no effort went into the creation of this piece of "art", this literary triumph, this ground breaking novel ...... Urgh, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

 

I know, I know ..... Not every book has to be spectacular. Sometimes it's great just to relax and read pop fiction. I love reading that kind of story. There's nothing complicated about it, you can simply get lost in the drama and enjoy the characters for what they are. But Evermore doesn't even earn this status. It's just drivel. It's just words on a page. No, scratch that. It's just poorly written words on a page. There's no character development, there's no solid story line, there's no finesse in any of the dialog or description.

 

Yeah, wow. I really wasted my time with this one. I'm off to do something more worthwhile, like bake. I love to bake. I have an incredible recipe for cheesecake which I created. I'll let you in on a little secret - use shortbread as the base, not digestive biscuits. You'll never look back.

 

Ciao!

 

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